Welcome to the best NFL offseason series you'll ever read -- that is, if you're like me, and you want nothing more than the blissful lie that your team will be good in 2019. How Your Team Won Super Bowl 54 will take you through each NFL franchise with one goal in mind: convincing you that there's at least one universe in which Your Team wins it all. I'm Doctor Strange, you're Tony Stark, the Avengers are Your Team, Thanos is...Bill Belichick? I've lost the metaphor.
One thing's for sure:
You'll die in the end. Your Team is going to win Super Bowl 54.
New York Giants
How Eli Manning invented human cloning
See, you think this bit is about this:
Simpleton. That couldn't be further from the truth.
In reality, Eli Manning invented human cloning because, in response to his generally swandiving play in the last few seasons, they decided trading Odell Beckham Jr. out of the arsenal would somehow improve the offense. With no real weapons to hang his hat on in this passing game, Manning wanted to clone Saquon Barkley seven or so times to fill out all the major roles on the offense: X-receiver, which doesn't exist; right tackle, currently filled by Chad Wheeler, of all people; Y-tight end, cause Evan Engram is just a glorified slot; fullback, of course, and full-time back-up QB.
Manning, who is a nerd even if he's not a nerd, because of his facial expressions, had been working on the formula for decades, of course -- a crude preamble of the current concoction was the means by which Eli robbed Peyton of his arm strength in the twilight of the better Manning's career. Manning was unable, however, to deploy his Saquon Sycophants, as the broadcast cameras couldn't fit two players with thighs the size of Barkley's, let alone eight. Now he just keeps them in storage: Barkley will never get injured again.
But there's another, fascinating reason why Eli Manning invented human cloning and thereby brought his third Lombardi trophy to New York, filling the rich city's history even further with championship stories of underdogs and comebacks.
Eli Manning must be so bored, guys. He's generally not a very exciting person -- again, I've never met the man, I'm going exclusively off of facial expressions, which is a renowned method for evaluating character -- and he's been the starting quarterback for the New York Giants since 1840. The team has been bad for the last seven decades, Manning hasn't churned out a statistically impressive season in a year with a 2 in it -- I mean, this is just boring.
You want proof that Eli is bored? Philip Rivers, of the same draft class, gets as far behind in the fourth quarter as possible, to somehow inject some life into this game he's been playing since you were a wee lad. Ben Roethlisberger is so desperate for something to happen that he drives away all of his teammates just to feel something, anything, for God's sake.
But in all seriousness -- no more made up timelines -- Eli has got to be so bored. They won the Super Bowl in the 2011 season and since then have done jack, diddly, and squat with that franchise. They've cycled through bad head coaches and expunged their most dynamic talent. They've become a joke, a daggum meme, among some of the top NFL minds available in the media sphere. They have no new uniforms, no new stadium, no hot coaching candidate, and no star power...
...beyond Saquon Barkley, that is.
So what do you do as the bored, nerdy quarterback of a bad football team with one electric, potentially generational (yeah I said it) player? You invent
time travel to just eternally live Super Bowl SLII over and over again mind control so you can make John Mara decide to help retire you to the Cayman Islands telekineses so you can actually hit a 15-yard out human cloning.
Then, you start Saquon Barkley at RB, Daquon Markley at OT, Laquon Larkley at WR, Raquon Farkley at TE, Taquon Parkley at S, and Caquon Zarkley at EDGE. What happened to Monday, you ask? He finished the season with 10.5 sacks, 24 TFLs, and a 2nd-team All-Pro, that's what happened to Monday.
How this was Dave Gettlemen's master plan from the beginn -- nah, sorry, even I can't go that far in my own satirical series
How The Giants Won Super Bowl 54
The Arkley Septuplets dominate at their respective positions en route to a smashing win over the New England Patriots (has to be, right?), 34-6. (Blocked XP by Zarkley, returned for a TD by Parkley.) The Arkleys take off their helmets for the first time in public, revealing that they indeed are very tired from all of their hard work -- just look at that sweat! Manning gets the MVP -- the Arkleys are programmed to deny all awards -- and a man who looks suspiciously like Peyton Manning makes a disappointed face at Eli's presentation. It is memed and Eli is vindicated.
How many universes does this happen in?
Same number as David Tyree making that catch.
How does it all go wrong?
Because Eli was the one who invented the cloning machine, he never considered replacing himself. As such, Daniel Jones wins the starting job, and...oh wait, nope, that would be an Eli clone winning the job.