Welcome to the best NFL offseason series you'll ever read -- that is, if you're like me, and you want nothing more than the blissful lie that your team will be good in 2019. How Your Team Won Super Bowl 54 will take you through each NFL franchise with one goal in mind: convincing you that there's at least one universe in which Your Team wins it all. I'm Doctor Strange, you're Tony Stark, the Avengers are Your Team, Thanos is...Bill Belichick? I've lost the metaphor.
One thing's for sure:
You'll die in the end. Your Team is going to win Super Bowl 54.
New England Patriots
Are you really reading this?
I mean, c'mon now.
You're one of two people: if you're in the first bucket, you're a Patriots fan who somehow rationalized clicking on this piece, expecting some sort of insight into Tom Brady's SEVENTH -- SEV-IN-THHH -- Super Bowl victory. To you I say, I nearly admire your temerity, but I end up holding you in reproach. "How The New England Patriots Won Super Bowl 54" -- pshaw! By doing the exact same nonsense they've been doing for my living memory.
I'd be offended by your obnoxiousness; as it is, I begrudgingly respect it. Just, in the name of God, do not actually ask me on Twitter for insight on how the Patriots might win Super Bowl 54.
If you're in bucket number two, you're just a casual fan of the most offseason series ever, in which case, you'll be pleased to know that this particular post is about nothing real and everything facetious. "How The New England Patriots Won Super Bowl 54" -- you should have known from the beginning that I was going to categorically refuse to participate in anything series in this post.
If you are not one of the two bucket people, there is literally nothing you could be better doing with your time. Welcome to an explanation as to how the greatest dynasty in NFL history continued to, you know, win football games.
What if every other QB in the division was an unproven second-year player?
And how 'bout we all swap division coaches as well?
Oh wait, only two of the three? Woah, chinks in the armor for New England.
Did we block the Texans from hiring any of our three quasi-general managers?
Lol yeah, that was fun.
Successfully bamboozle 15% of national sports media into believing Julian Edelman is a Hall of Famer?
Yeah, we just did that because we were bored during Week 11 and wanted a fun project.
Put Brady on Twitter?
Imagine how good he'll get when he learns running backs don't matter.
Whole fantasy community jumping at shadows to figure out who our best running back is?
A tradition unlike any other.
Is my point made?
There's never a reason to expect the Patriots won't win the Super Bowl until we see it happen over multiple years, and that means the Chiefs need to beat them regularly in the AFC Championship game, and a few more competitors need to rise up in the conference to hedge the bet.
Until then, just scratch the "How" -- "The Patriots Won Super Bowl 54." Until someone else disproves it next February, we'll operate as if that's fact.
How The New England Patriots Won Super Bowl 54
By outfoxing Sean McVay in another embarrassing defeat; with Tom Brady outdueling Drew Brees in Brees' last game as a pro; with successful trick plays in another shootout with Philadelphia; however you dang well please.
How many universes does this happen in?
100 out of 1000. That's the highest number I'll give.
How does it all go wrong?