Welcome to the best NFL offseason series you'll ever read -- that is, if you're like me, and you want nothing more than the blissful lie that your team will be good in 2019. How Your Team Won Super Bowl 54 will take you through each NFL franchise with one goal in mind: convincing you that there's at least one universe in which Your Team wins it all. I'm Doctor Strange, you're Tony Stark, the Avengers are Your Team, Thanos is...Bill Belichick? I've lost the metaphor.
One thing's for sure:
You'll die in the end. Your Team is going to win Super Bowl 54.
Just do the exact same thing the Ravens did in 2012 to win a Super Bowl with Joe Flacco at quarterback
As everyone knows, when you drastically overpay for a declining veteran QB -- a year after paying for a never-actually-good veteran QB -- it's important to cater the offense to the new veteran QB's strengths. In that he has A) been in the league for a while and B) was a free agent, it's highly unlikely that he's any good anymore, so it's worth sculpting an entire team in his image.
With the Broncos -- boy did they hit the jackpot. Not only did they get the declining veteran QB -- they got an ex-Super Bowl MVP to boot!
Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl with the 2012 Baltimore Ravens, and all the 2019 Denver Broncos have to do to win it again is build everything around Joe Flacco just as it was on that magical Super Bowl run. Let's go over some of the highlights, shall we:
Have one of the greatest defenders and emotional leaders in football history announce the playoffs as his swan song performance
Ray Lewis would still be in the league chasing after the career tackles record if he hadn't won that second ring.
Highlight one of the DUMBEST rules of all the NFL's DUMB rules and get Bill Belichick, renowned automaton, fined in the process
Imagine telling someone who just watched that game that SEVEN YEARS LATER the EXACT same method for kick accuracy would be employed. That this would happen, and over the course of seven years, nobody would say "Hey, what about lasers?" even once.
Get into a full-fledged Super Bowl fight, get embarrassed, and accordingly blow a stadium fuse and force a 30-minute in-person black out
People forget why that blackout happened. The Niners were finally getting back into the game (not really, please just roll with it) early in the third-quarter, having been galvanized by the impressive midfield scrum* spawned by an Ed Reed interception.
*Note: Super Bowl fights are extra spicy and we should get more of them.
Accordingly, the Ravens needed to quell San Francisco's insurgence, and quite literally doused their fire. The lights went out in the freakin' Super Bowl stadium -- and Joe Flacco won the game. It took an act of God, a "let there not be light," for Joe Flacco win a Super Bowl.
Don't believe me?
Execute this play again
In the most illustrious bungling of a deep angle known to man, Darian Stewart bore witness to Playoff Joe, an 11:0 TD:INT, 10.8 AY/A miracle of a man. Flacco's 2012 playoff run is such a drastic divergence from his career numbers, that this play almost becomes believable. Something like this had to happen for such an average player to look that good.
I have no freakin' idea how the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII, so when I talk about the 34-year old transplant named Joe Flacco in Denver, I haven't even a fragment of a notion. It took a wing, a prayer, a couple missed calls, and an extinguishing for the Ravens to pull it off with prime Flacco; under these circumstances, you're gonna need a catch on a helmet (Eli Manning), a catch off a knee (Nick Foles), and an Immaculate Reception (Terry Bradshaw).
Notice the common thread? All bad quarterbacks who should never have won a championship.
I'm kidding, Pittsburgh! Jeez...
How The Denver Broncos Won Super Bowl 54
Vic Fangio candidly tells the media he thinks the team is playing "fine" as they go on a late 7-game winning streak and power into the playoffs. Dalton Risner, always good a for a quote, says "Joe [Flacco] just has a grit to his facial hair that's tough to ignore. Von Miller has 20 sacks; Bradley Chubb takes a nap, paying someone to operate all the burner accounts that tell me he's better than Myles Garrett every time I tweet about it.
How many universes does this happen in?
10 out of 1000. That's charity
How does it all go wrong?
If they put in Drew Lock in Year 1 as a "playoff contending team," I will cry myself laughing.