Welcome to the best NFL offseason series you'll ever read -- that is, if you're like me, and you want nothing more than the blissful lie that your team will be good in 2019. How Your Team Won Super Bowl 54 will take you through each NFL franchise with one goal in mind: convincing you that there's at least one universe in which Your Team wins it all. I'm Doctor Strange, you're Tony Stark, the Avengers are Your Team, Thanos is...Bill Belichick? I've lost the metaphor.
One thing's for sure:
You'll die in the end. Your Team is going to win Super Bowl 54.
How are y'all justifying these bets?!
There's fanhood, and then there's fandom. Then there's the-only-way-my-cold-weather-team-will-know-I-really-love-them-is-if-I-bear-my-chest-in-the-middle-of-December fandom. Then there's #BillsMafia, moms watching the Bachelorette, and soccer fans. Those are the discoverable, knowable levels of fandom -- the strata discovered, until this offseason.
What. Are. Y'all. Doing?
This is a post about the Bears winning the Super Bowl -- this is the exact opposite of how to win the Super Bowl. Did Chicago miss the presentation on juju? Is jinxing only a coastal elite phenomenon? Double-dipping on the overeager offseason betting makes you twice-cursed as well -- especially after you exited the playoffs on a double-doink! This is bad fandom management; this is Dream Team tomfoolery. All it'll take is one contextless Mitch quote in August about playoff expectations to really derail this runaway train of hype.
Now, while we're talking about Mitchell (a name I still believe to be part of an elaborate prank), we must address the ferocity with which Bears fans insist upon his...goodness? Eliteness? Like most football debates, I've really lost track of the point on the Trubisky debate. But when fanbases really scream and wail to defend a player's honor -- and I mean the rare cases of zealotry -- that's usually a sign of over-compensation.
I think Trubisky is a regular NFL QB, and I don't think being a regular NFL QB is bad -- it's not great, and if you throw a chunky contract in there, it gets sour quick. If Trubisky is Dalton, Stafford, or maybe even Alex Smith, then he's perfectly capable of fielding a playoff-caliber offense -- especially with the strong infrastructure Chicago has around him: Matt Nagy calling plays, multiple strong pass-catchers across different positions, and a cost-controlled and effective offensive line.
But the old Biskuit ain't yet a "win because of" player -- that is to say, you don't win games because of Trubisky, but rather with Trubisky on the field. Unlike most Super Bowl winning QBs, Trubisky hasn't yet proven that he can elevate an offense on a weekly basis. He makes high-impact plays, inside and outside of structure, yes -- I won't take that away from him. But they're both positive and negative, and there's little consistency across the board.
So an MVP vote on Trubisky is either a vote on a drastic third-year improvement -- which there's no real reason to expect, besides anecdotal claims about a full-year in the offense and familiarity with his pass-catchers -- or it's a vote on the infrastructure around him guaranteeing protected and consistent play. It's a bet on Matt Nagy's offense, Chuck Pagano's defense, and the drafted/acquired players in the Nagy tenure also taking steps forward.
It's really, very, totally okay for a quarterback to just be a regular NFL quarterback. There are only...20 such people in the world, who are regular NFL quarterbacks or better. It certainly narrows your path to Super Bowl victory, but it doesn't close it off entirely. What does, however, is betting excessively on said regular NFL quarterback to be the MVP winner on a Super Bowl championship team, when you've lost more than you've gained in the past offseason.
Though, that's a whole 'nother HaHa Clinton-Dix v. Adrian Amos conversation I'm not getting into right now*
How the Bears won Super Bowl 54
Well, given that Trubisky's apparently turning out an MVP season, I suppose it would make sense that they also make it to the Super Bowl. In true Joe Flacco glory, he'll throw 12 playoff touchdowns and no playoff interceptions -- not even a dropped one -- and rush in another two, looking sneaky fast all the while. Troy Aikman will call him a mix of Roger Staubach, John Elway, Steve Young, and Troy Aikman.
Against the Chiefs in the Super Bowl -- for the Trubisky > Mahomes takes from the 2017 NFL Draft, as well as Nagy v. Reid -- Eddie Jackson will house a pick six en route to a 23-21 victory. Trubisky's game-winning drive will feature multiple third-down conversions on high-quality sideline throws, as the Eagles' game should have ended last year. Khalil Mack will kick the 34-yarder that seals it, and the Bears will give him an offseason raise accordingly.
How many universes does this happen in?
60 out of 1000. The Bears are talented, but the NFC is nasty.
How it all goes wrong
KEEP BETTING ON TRUBISKY YOU GUYS ARE JUST BEGGING FOR THE SCALES OF THE UNIVERSE TO BALANCE OUT YOUR CONFIDENCE WITH A SLICE OF HUMBLE PIE AND TWITTER NEVER FORGETS