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As we have embarked on this Draft Network journey, it has become apparent to us that you all like reading about quarterbacks just as much as we like to write about them.

We have all kinds of analysis pieces every week that look at quarterbacks who are currently in the league, as well as the next crop of guys who are coming up through the incoming draft class.

This is another article about quarterbacks, but it’s (hopefully) more on the fun side. Depending on the success of this article, I may make it a quarterly thing that I revisit as the NFL season goes on.

So, without further adieu, let’s ask the million(s) dollar question: Does your team need a quarertback?

New England Patriots: I mean, probably, but it’s Brady

Tom Brady is a 41-year-old Time Lord who will play and dominate the game of football until he himself chooses to move on. We have no control.

New York Jets: Nah

After enshrining Sam Darnold into the Pro Football Hall of Fame following Week 1, we have since realized that was dumb and have removed his plaque from Canton, for the time being, for further testing.

He’s fine, though.

Miami Dolphins: Yes

I almost put no just because Tannehill is the perfect Dolphins quarterback.

He’s 40-41.

If I wrote this last week his win/loss average would literally be 8-8.

Buffalo Bills: No, but yeah

The Bills drafted Josh Allen, and he’s mainly been bad outside of thrashing the Minnesota Vikings’ defense and Jon Ledyard’s Twitter mentions. I’m not sure I believe in Allen anymore now than I did before, so I’m still not convinced he’s the answer.

They won’t draft one, though.


Pittsburgh Steelers: Yes

Ben Roethlisberger is hella old and the Steelers are going to need to turn the page with basically that entire offense in the next few years. I don’t think you want to be giving the keys to Mason Rudolph, so.

Baltimore Ravens: No, and stop the package plays

The Ravens have Lamar.

The Ravens should play Lamar — at quarterback.

Cincinnati Bengals: Yes

I’m sure the Bengals will move on from the streaky Andy Dalton once Marvin Lewis gets out of there.

*Spongebob “Twenty Years Later” voice*

I’m sure the Bengals will move on from the streaky Andy Dalton once Marvin Lewis gets out of there.

Cleveland Browns: Absolutely not

Build the Baker statue now.


Tennessee Titans: Perhaps

“Is Marcus Mariota even good anymore?” he asked with a wince in his facial expression.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Yes

Jags, pls.

Houston Texans: Nope

Deshaun is going to struggle this season, but they’re fine.

Indianapolis Colts: Also nope

Luck seems to be back on track and that likely means the Colts won’t need a quarertback for as long as we keep getting spin-off Star Wars movies.


Denver Broncos: Yes

If Case Keenum isn’t playing the Bucs, he’s not worth the long-term investment.

… no, seriously, go look up his numbers versus Tampa Bay. It’s insane.

OK fine, I’ll do it for you.

Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass
Tm Opp Result Cmp Att Cmp% Yds TD Int Rate
MIN TAM W 34-17 25 33 75.76 369 3 0 142.1
STL TAM W 31-23 14 17 82.35 234 2 0 158.0
LAR TAM W 37-32 14 26 53.85 190 2 1 87.0

San Diego Chargers: Probably

At some point someone’s going to have to help Mrs. Rivers take care of their 19 kids.

(They only have eight kids, but still.)

Oakland Raiders: Gonna say no, but I regret it

Carr’s numbers aren’t all bad, but they’re extremely confusing. He has a heavy losing record, and his TD/INT ratio is somehow getting worse despite his completion percentage being better.

Gruden’s tanking the franchise for the Madden-style relocation and rebuild anyways, so it doesn’t matter.

Kansas City Chiefs: An overdose of “No”

One scout said that if Patrick Mahomes’ passes could sing a song it would be a mix between Fergie and Jesus.


Dallas Cowboys: Yes

Dak ain’t it.

New York Giants: Yes

Eli is old.

Washington Redskins: Yes

Alex Smith was coached by Urban Meyer when he was the head coach at Utah.

Philadelphia Eagles: Yes (jk, it’s no)

Wentz is good.


Green Bay Packers: Rodgers, GOAT

The answer was in the headline.

Minnesota Vikings: Gonna say no, but I hesitated

I think Kirk Cousins is a good quarterback, but I’m not sure if he’s a great quarterback. They’re not going to draft one, so the answer is no, but will Cousins ever get them over the top when they were already so close with Keenum?

Chicago Bears: Eh… No

Trubisky hasn’t been that impressive outside of an absolutely walloping of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but he’s their guy for the foreseeable future.

Detroit Lions: Nah

The Lions aren’t losing because of Stafford. It’s still his show.


New Orleans Saints: Yes?

Brees is 39 and they do have Teddy Bridgewater behind him, but Brees is under contract until 2020 and Bridgewater is a free agent in 2019.

Are they going to re-sign Teddy knowing he won’t start for another year? Would Teddy do that himself?

Atlanta Falcons: No?

Matt Ryan looked bad in Week 1, but I don’t think he’s the reason the Falcons are behind the 8-ball.

Carolina Panthers: No

Cam.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: TBD, but kind of

The team won’t unleash FitzMagic again beyond this year, so then it’s all up to Jameis Winston, who has now missed six games due to injury and suspension over the last calendar year, and really has yet to prove he’s worth the franchise deal he’d sign next season.


San Francisco 49ers: Nope

Jimmy G is down but not out.

Seattle Seahawks: Also nope

Russell Wilson is quite literally the only thing that franchise has going for itself right now.

Arizona Cardinals: Super nope

Rosen is good.

Los Angles Rams: Super, duper nope

Jared Goff’s 2018 season is a giant middle finger to me and everyone else who ragged on his 2017 season. He might win MVP.